This has been a really weird week for me. As I've been bathing myself in coconut oil and smiling for the Instagram Stories camera - I've been struggling. I've been confused. I've been really off.
I've been wallowing in my own life path confusion well beyond this week. I'm 26. What do I want to do with my life? What matters to me? What do I value? These questions have been questions I've asked myself for years.
But for some reason this week they've been extra heavy. I've woken up each morning with a heaviness and an uncertainty. I haven't woken up excited to do whatever it is I was walking off to do for the day.
I ended up doing a whole host of weird things this week to try and up my mood. I tried out a new eyeshadow palette, I signed up for Talk Space, I deep cleaned my closet, I called my mom (hey, ma!). None of these distractions gave me resolution. My answer isn't at the bottom of a Too Faced box.
I don't have the answers to these questions. I just don't. And I might not ever have them. But what I do think I need to try to do is acknowledge the importance of perspective.
I opened up my podcast app tonight and randomly clicked over to the Gary Vee podcast. I'll keep it real - I've been undecided on Gary Vee for a while. Mostly because I can't stand people who love to hear themselves talk and I've never really given him enough of a listen to gauge if he falls into that category.
But I digress. I opened up the app, opened up his podcast, and clicked over to a random episode titled "Difference Between A Winning & Losing Mindset." It sounded relevant to me. Why did I spend all week feeling like I was losing?
And amidst the super dramatic piano playing in the background, he actually had some amazingly valid points.
We've gotten soft as a culture in the US, because the US has had an incredible 200 year run. The American culture is soft - and thats a great thing that means theres been enormous amounts of prosperity. But lets not be naive. People literally complain when somebody gives them the wrong amount of extra cream in a Starbucks $6 coffee.
My lack of interest in complaining is so high and when I watch what people complain about it breaks my heart because they completely lack perspective. I genuinely believe my happiness and optimism comes from my perspective.
The reality is is that it's just never been better to be a human being. That's just the truth. That's just data. That's just reality.
And I think the way people look at the world right now because it's such an incredible time is actually the quickest tell to who they are. If you think it sucks or it's bad, you have losing pessimistic DNA. If you think its awesome and phenomenal you have optimistic, winning DNA.
So as I sat here, listening to Gary Vee rip through these nuggets of truth on the overall quality of life today and how perspective can change your mindset and your attitude...I thought about how fucking right he is.
How I got up every morning instantly complaining. How I rolled out of bed already irritated I "couldn't do what I want to do" rather than acknowledging the good. Rather than acknowledging that simply being alive, today, right now, does allow me to do what I want to do. Because as a woman in 2018 I have more choices than the women that came before me. Sometimes that choice is maddening - when we don't get to do what we want to do it drives us insane. Because we think we should just be out there doing it already.
But the women that came before us didn't even have a choice. They lived. And we do have a choice. And we complain. I complain. I spent all week complaining.
I'm not writing this to say I'll never complain again. I'm not writing this to say I've figured out my key to happiness. I'm writing this because It's 10 pm and I'm raw. I'm tired. I'm confused. But I do see some clarity - I needed perspective.
And the reality is that, despite me waking up and not doing quite what it is that I want to do - life is really good. The world right now is actually really good. People, as a whole, are good.
And that's something to acknowledge.
I believe that the human race is so grossly underrated. We are GOOD. Of course we have some bad. There's fucking 7 billion of us. But when you look at our net score its fucking bonker shit. Do you know how much damage we could be doing to each other on an hourly basis? And we don't. We're still here. We won. We're the alpha being and we figured out how to stay together. This is insane when you think about it.
And yet everybody wants to dwell on like, "somebody said something mean."
So all I can think as I sit here hands on the keyboard an hour past when I'd typically like to be in bed (yes - I like to be in bed at 9 pm), is that I haven't given the world enough credit.
And I definitely haven't given myself enough credit.
If I want something - I need to really work for it. Live, breathe, and eat it. If I want change - I have to make it.
And if I want to receive good, I have to give good.
The interviewer asked at the end of the podcast, "What is the impact that you want to have on the world?" And that one stuck in my throat. That one brought up the tears I'd been shoving back all fucking week. Because I ask myself that all the time.
What is the impact I want to have on this world?
And ultimately it's not that I want fifty million followers. Ultimately I don't give two fucks about climbing ladders and getting raises. I don't give a shit about non essential bullshit.
I give a fuck about being a good human. I give a fuck about impacting people in a positive way. I give a huge fuck about creating a space to inspire and encourage not just women, but anyone. And maybe that space is online. Maybe it's here. But maybe it's not. Maybe it comes through one on one interactions. Maybe it comes through chats over coffee. Maybe it comes through consulting.
But the point is I do know exactly what I want at my very core. Stripping back all the frivolity.
I want to be good and I want to do good.
Anywhosen. My jaw has been clenched and my eyebrows so furrowed that I'll likely need botox after word vomitting this entire post. I really want to end by saying I love all you random humans that end up wandering through this space. My space. Our space.
Thanks for being part of my family for three amazing years. I can't wait to see what we do with 2018.